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well, today is the end of my 10 day stay with jon at his house. his parents had a fun trip to hawaii and brought back some nice things for me and jon. its funny cuz she got me a necklace that i have but its on guam so i laughed. i'll be going back to uncle mats house tonight and stay for a couple days.. i wanna try to move out cuz i dont like how im being treated. little misunderstandings always end up being my fault and i get more shit for it than anything. like how i thought i heard uncle mat say when mom was in the hospital that he was gonna call me if she didnt get out so i can go in and stay with her but he ended up turning it on me and saying that im not responsable and what am i gonna do with my life when i cant do one simple thing. hell jon even heard him over the phone say he was gonna call and i waited for it but noo uncle mat calls 3 hours later asking where i was and close to calling the police, he even called auntie nichol to try to get to me. im tired of it. i cant have a life under his roof and i always end up getting shit from him and his bitchy wife. 

Jons mom and dad offered for me to move into their house and Tim (jons dad) is gonna teach me to drive and Cindy (jons mom) will teach me how to be a homemaker. i feel way more calm, free, peaceful, and stressfree when im here. there is way to much tension in that house. i try just keeping to myself as to not get in trouble for anything and i still get in trouble for just staying in the room and not doing anything. its like a no win situation. im just gonna be at the house for a couple days and then try to get mom and pop to be ok with me leaving that damn house. i just cant stand it. makes me miss guam more than anything. least i was understood as being to myself and not wanting to be bothered and i felt loved there. makes me wanna go home but i love jon and i cant bare to see him hurt by me leaving to guam where we wont be able to be together anymore so im not gonna be selfish like that. im doing my best to find a job and make a life for myself. ive already gotten my GED and im working on finding a job and getting my license. im close to actually catching up in some peoples eyes. honestly i know i can get things done but i hate being pushed to do so. i love and miss how daddy and you auntie gigi just supported me and kept telling me not to push myself and keep at my own pace, it made me wanna achieve what i wanted more and more but here it just pisses me off at how i get told im pathetic because im behinds and told to hurry up and get it done and so you can be where others your age are at, if anything it just makes me wanna not do anything because im not trying to please anyone but myself and i know that if im happy my family is happy that i am. and when i complete something i work hard for i make them proud. i just miss how things were when i was on guam and i somewhat get what i had when im at jons house so i guess thats why im so comfortable here. im not pushed to do anything, just supported and Jons family love me and i feel the love where as in that house all it is is alot of hate and its like a prison. 

in other news... I MISS MY LONG HAIR T_T. when it grows out again im not cutting it short again. i want it just the way it was before i cut it.

i wrote to much so imma go, i need to get something to eat anyway ^^ i got stuffed crust pizza in the fridge and its all mine hehe. bai bai


well not much with me. i just got my GED and im going for my License and a Job now.... i hope i find a good one that i wont hate... Jons parents are in Hawaii and me and him are house sitting so i get to stay at Jons house for 10 days.. its ok but his friends came tonight and i dont like it to much... anyway i gotta sleep now. night night

not too much has happened. Jon got me a laptop about a week ago. i took my last GED test today and i will find out the results in 2 weeks. Jon got very sick today. he has been on and off fever for the pass 2 days and today he broke out in hives all over his body mostly where he sweats. i have been wondering something for awhile now and i plan on asking you auntie gigi since you have more experience in it. so expect an email concerning that. Jon is planning to pay off the laptop as soon as possible so most of his paycheck will go to it when he has paid his other bills. he was telling me he plans on buying me a promise ring better than the one i got from asshole. but right now i just hope he gets better and i hope i dont get sick as well cuz i kissed him goodnight. his mom dropped me home so i got home earlier than my curfew. i hope i pass my GED. i want to get it done and over with as soon as possible. and i wish i could practice driving. there isnt any use in having a permit if you cant use it. anyway imma go to bed.

night night all.
well for one thing on the up side. i passed 3 out of 5 of the GED tests and i also got my drivers permit. 

on the down side, well lets start with what happened acouple weeks ago. i was told i had a phone bill for $211 plus charges for buying books online (which i have no idea why we have to pay for it when i paid already) so grandma had to pay uncle mat $249... auntie gigi you pay for stuff online why the hell would we have to pay again once i already paid it with my card. it says on my statement that the money went through. i dont understand that. SO, to get out of that situation grandma took me to get a new phone which we did. and i gave the phone back. DONT FOR ONE SECOND BELIEVE THAT SHE TOOK THE PHONE AWAY FROM ME. i gave it back. so i get a new phone and then a couple days later i go on to send my dad pics of me and what do you know. my folder is deleted. i dont have absolute proof but i know it was fe. shes the only one childish enough to do that. and hilde agrees with me on that one. seeing how her only control over me was the phone ya now that thats gone Oh now what?. it just sickens me that i have to go through all this bs because she wants to control everything and doesnt want anyone happy if she isnt. its stupid. i couldnt enjoy having freedom without her giving me the "dont be like your mom i heard she was wild, and dont get pregnant like she did and she wasnt married' i get pissed when she brings my mom into things when she doesnt even know my mom. tired of her bringing people up and comparing herself with everyone. and shes making grandma think that Jon and his family are bad or something. idk im just fed up with alot of things.

Someones Preggers hehe. 

Congrats Auntie Gigi!!!

I heard when i was going to class and i was like O.O NO WAY! and i took 2 of my tests yesterday. they were Science & Social Studies. i dont think i did well on the Social Studies but the Science was easy. i went to get my permit and ended up waiting for an hour and a half then just walked out. ive stopped complaining about my weight gain for abit just long enough to not care anymore. i havent been home much cuz i cant stand this house... if anything tomorrow is the party for Tim even tho his bday is in another week the party is tomorrow lol. imma help out and do what i can. anyway not much has happened other than the fireworks and taking the 2 tests... if i pass these 2 then i got 2 left hehe. 

bye byes


its funny just how fast things seem to be getting better then it all goes to hell once Hitler opens her mouth. Uncle Mat kinda blew up yesterday about the house not being cleaned when it is clean because we dont want Hitler bitching more. but i guess that one is never satisfied unless its her way and if shes gonna be like that why doesnt she just clean the house herself and not bitch at all. i've pretty much been having Jon take me away from this house because i just cant stand it. only times i actually stay home is when i was moody from post-tom and when he works until late and i am not able to see him because of the stupid time limit. if anything im hoping that by the time my birthday comes up he hopefully has a place of his own so i can just leave. but he wants it to so that its not far from this house so i can still see grandma whenever i want. least until they get fed up with it completely and leave to. i still love saying that if it wasnt for grandpa putting his name on those papers the bitch wouldnt even have this house cuz she cant afford it. and im betting that once i do have a job that uncle mat will start taking half my paycheck as well just for living here. and i dont want that.... because if im getting half my paycheck taken away it better damn well be grandma and grandpa taking it from me because as our culture is THEY TOOK CARE OF ME SO I PAY THEM BACK not oh you live here give me half and the rest you can give to grandma... idk if i had a job i need to pay for my schooling and i need a cellphone and i wanna try to get a car. if anything my prioity is still only on my GED and Jon is taking me to get my Permit this week ... when i dont know but i'll try to get it soon.

anyway Hitler is over my shoulder and i really dont like that so imma just stop here. bye bye


spent most of yesterday with Jon. he dropped me to class and picked me up and we hung out at his house.. he was tired so took a nap with him >.> he needs to give me his pillow lol. then i heard Dells voice and he pretty much woke Jon up it was funny. Dell didnt stay long :( for a 50 something year old he is like a child, well so is Tim but yea his bday is coming up and he is turning 50 and imma help out with the party stuff. anyway when Dell left me and Jon ate what Cindy made which was chicken, rice, and rolls and they were good! would have liked the steak but oh well. then Jon calls up his friend Justin or Gerchak [spelling] he was cool, high as hell but cool. we ended up driving and Jon bought a air horn while i was in class and so they wanted to test it out so yea we went driving and Jon and Gerchak just kept opening their windows every so often and just let the air horn go lol. then Gerchak wanted his own so we went to Walmart and he got himself a mini one so afterwards we saw the time and yea my time limit is still 10:30 so Jon said that i needed to be dropped home so on the ride home there was this car that almost side tracked us and the boys let off both their air horns and what was funny was, the person pulled to the side let us pass then came up behind us and i guess taking Gerchaks license plate numbers so we pulled off to the side then let the person get back in front and then they dropped me home. when i got home benny had his friends over and Jon was alittle mad cuz, ever since he started going out with me ben has been a bitch to him. and i already know that most of Jons friends use him in some way and that pisses me off. idk i dont wanna tell him to stop being friends with people who just use him but he knows how i feel and im gonna leave it at that. if anything out of most of Jons friends so far even just meeting Gerchak i already know i can get along with him. when i met AJ i was just like... ok... i wanna go. idk most of the guys that are Jons & bennys friends that was here last night are pigs, they are to sexual and joke to much about it and it annoys me cuz me and jena are trying to enjoy the movie and they are all loud talking about the girl in the movie and saying crude things.. idk they can just go away. but yea i notice im less stressed out when im at Jons house and thats a good thing to me.

on the one hand ive been on and off depressed about alot of things... but yea things have been happening thats been gay as well as good... but yea talk things out later... bye

havent been to happy lately... after getting yelled at by uncle mat things between me and Jon havent been to... well ... great. i come home alittle late after a long time of coming home on time or early and i get called a prostitute from uncle mat... apparently people dont understand that mistakes happen. people get sidetracked. i get dumped on for just about everything that night. for dropping out, for not having a job or license, for actually liking being out of the house. im behind i get that i dont need to be told that over and over and if anything people should be happy i just dont say screw it and just not do anything at all because i can. im getting what i want done for myself not to make others proud cuz i couldnt give a shit. i want to make myself happy not anyone who isnt ME. if anything now i know for sure that when i do have what i need i am moving out of this freaking house. rules i can live with.. i have all my life.. but once someone calls me names that dont even apply to me and apparently dont wanna see me HAPPY but "on my feet" is just screwed up. there are people in the world that are dirt poor and happy and i am amazed by that. and there are people who have everything money, power .. everything they could ever want and not be happy at all. if anything Jon makes me happy, he keeps me sane and keeps me from just killing myself something ive tried doing along time ago. i pretty much left school for that reason because i couldnt handle the pressure of it along with haveing grandma in and out of the hospital and having everyone need me to be strong for them. ive pretty much had the world on my shoulders at 15. and that isnt right. i let school go and i was happy. i had less pressure on me and i helped take care of mom. people werent happy with me but i didnt care because they pretty much didnt know what was going on inside and apparently wouldnt ever know because i have to be strong for them and not show how weak i am. now that i am doing things on my own the fact im getting my GED and plan on getting my license in June and that im doing it for myself and only for myself.. that made me proud of me. i didnt feel pressured or anything... now that i have a boyfriend who supports me and wants me to do the best i can and loves me, makes me happy... i get all that pressure from when i was in high school and more from everyone. i cant handle it. im not happy anymore and i feel like im trapped again. that all that pride i had about doing everything in my own way just shot to hell. now i gotta keep grandma from stressing over me having a boyfriend, keep up my school work (which ive been doing all along just cuz i have Jon doesnt mean im slacking off on that if anything he would be mad at me if i did), i gotta be a good example to uncle mats girls, just cuz im 18 doesnt mean shit. pressure keeps adding and its killing me. and Jon sees it but i wont ever let him see me like this ... id hate myself if he saw me like this again. and its not right how all this started when i met Jon. he blames himself now for me getting in trouble.. for hurting like this and for not being my happy self anymore. 

auntie gigi i dont know what to do anymore. i cant find away to make everyone happy without taking away some of mine. i feel like ever since i fell for Jon that everyone feels like im going to fail at everything and prove them right where if i have a boyfriend he is gonna take priority over things that im trying to do to catch up... if anything i love uncle mat but i cant live under him. at least there on guam you know if i were doing something yes id get talked to but no one would add pressure on me, you, uncle roy and mommy would support me i know it but here i just dont feel it. i feel like all im doing is hurting everyone by being happy. auntie gigi i need you... i cant do this anymore. i cant talk to anyone cuz they will just turn it around and make it like im the one hurting myself when pretty much thats all uncle mat does when he gets mad at me... he pretty much says im killing grandma by being happy with someone who makes me happy just being alive when pretty much ive just hated living since high school. i just cant do anything anymore... me and Jon's 1 month ann. was yesterday and i wasnt even happy about it... and i can see myself pushing him away now and i hate myself for it. and im having thoughts of "if i just left him the family would be happy and i wouldnt have to deal with any of it anymore" and i hate myself for that soo much. uncle mat is trying to run my life the way he wants to, trying to keep me from making mistakes him or his friends made... some people need to be left alone so they can make their mistakes and learn from it not be told about it and not expect to make sure not to do it themselves.. i like learning from my mistakes small or big because then i feel the burn from it. ive learned from my family all i should know about things that happen.. and i already know life is a bitch. and i know from repeated tellings and from watching others that having kids early isnt good. im not that stupid and sheltered enough to not know most of the shit that happens on an everyday basis. i dont see anyway to fix any of this... i never lie about where me and Jon go, i call up grandma if we need to stop by anywhere else, i never sneak out of the house just to see him i always tell grandma where im going, i carry the phone with me always, me and him barely do anything because we are either here or at his place with his parents. and if we are ever alone we watch tv. i just dont know what to do anymore.

me and the girls were all excited to sleep outside only to find out that it was only for the boys... sucks so we are all pissed at the boys for today and last night. Jon spent the night and i kinda keep blowing him off now... either way they suck and us girls arent happy!